What’s Your Tee Say…


Disclaimer:  Language and sexual content involved.


CrossFit Shirts No One Will Ever Wear

I’m not going to focus on making fun of existing CrossFit shirts because they pretty much get the job done on their own.  Here’s an example of a shirt which contradicts itself by proclaiming mediocrity and then boasting eliteness:

I get it.  CrossFitters are well-rounded.  But let’s not brag about doing things better than those who don’t do the things we are bragging about.  Did you know I’m better than your grandfather at bladder control?  I am also better than the homeless at being comfortable.  Who fucking cares?  Thanks to Rafy Cabrera for the pic.

Making fun of existing CrossFit shirts has been mastered by Drywall, so I’ll attempt something else.  I’ve stripped away the self-aggrandizing snobbery and double entendres in exchange for something unfamiliar:  honesty.

Aw, man- keep doing sumo-deadlift highpulls and eating bacon.  You’ll be ripped in no time.

Suckas at parties who don’t do CrossFit are easy victims for your fitness pontificating.  ‘Specially the chubby ones.

Maybe you can afford it, but gray, boring and expensive should be left to Lululemon.  Where are the Goddamned INFIDEL shirts we loved so much?

Because when I occasionally eat mufuggin pizza or Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I don’t wanna hear shit from you.  Unless you can beat my Fran time.  Speaking of religion and Fran:

Don’t get offended, it’s just that Ramadan goes too far with the concept of intermittent fasting.  Mohammed got tired from lack of nutrition, and Jesus took the lead in the round of 15′s.  Christianity gets a fist-bump!

This next one is a play on the shirt by Life As RX, pictured below.  While I like the concept, I disagree with the notion that CrossFitters (a). deadlift enough to brag about it on a shirt and (b). actually drink milk.

Here’s your version of truth:

Props to Gary “Sumo” Holaso of CrossFit GSS for the sweet Med Ball Clean pic.

I would actually wear this next one.  Effin sweet, no?

Of course, I can’t forget about the ladies…

 Keep that to yourself, honey.  Do what your coaches tell you or you risk being categorized as… annoying.

You got your front-meat upgraded?  Props to the ladies who choose surgery.  An increase in self-confidence isn’t the only benefit.  Your new-found decrease in range-of-motion means you can compensate for a lack of upper body strength.  Tits!

Everyone has their reasons.  Keep training hard and curtail the cat ownership, toots.  Because the saying “He’ll love you no matter what” was invented by Oprah.  And she’ll never find happiness.

This is how I see any shirt that makes jokes about snatches, racks and jerks.  Pro tip for the ladies:  men don’t need a shirt slogan to think about you that way.  Stop trying so hard.

Since only about three of you actually contemplated buying one of the above shirts, I regret to inform you there is no way to get one.  I’m not actually selling them.  Enjoy the rest of your week and train hard


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s